New Year.

Well it has been a while since I have been on here, and for the most part my life is the same. I moved back with my parents I smoke, and I drink. That's about it. Now why I wanted to write...

So I need a job and I am still looking like a mad woman it seems. I am going to try this stuffing envelopes thing. I have to send ten bucks then they send me what I need to do the job. So I am going to go donate plasma so I have the money to send in a money order. I will help save a life too by donating plasma, so it is a good thing. Hopefully this isn't a scam. If it is though at least I am not going to lose more than ten bucks. Even though that could be money I have, or it could help me make more. So I guess I will see what way this goes.

Then I have been thinking about my ex. I decided to perform an inmate search, and couldn't find him, and ended up finding him in a different county completely. I want to send him a letter. I just haven't made myself do it yet. I don't know what I want to say. Well, I do, but I just don't know how to put it in words. On top of that I have absolutely NO idea how he will react...

So that is all I feel like writing for the moment. So more later or when I get the urge to write again...

UGH!

My computer is being stupid. It keeps kicking me off the Internet. I think I may need to take it to be looked at. Hopefully I get this job tonight and I will be able to get it fixed, or maybe get the laptop I have been wanting :) That would be wonderful. I am so excited and nervous about my interview tonight. I really want and need this job.

Other than that I am about to work out, fold clothes, shower, and chill out until tonight when I have my interview. People are coming to work on the house today at one too. They are putting in new windows and what not hopefully. Maybe then this house will cool down. It has been miserably hot in here. We don't have a lot of money, so we don't run the air much. Then it is just gross feeling outside. It is muggy and humid. Ew.

I am about to go. I will make sure there is an update after I get home from my interview, even if I must go take over another computer :) Deuces ♥

Well then.

I really don't have a lot to write, but I do have some things to get out. Where to start, where to start??

I saw Alberto and he wanted me and him to have sex, but I didn't go for that. He is actually staying two roads over. He is absolutely gorgeous, but not my thing anymore. He ruined that for himself, so I wouldn't do that. I was walking Whisper and we started talking, he invited me in and tried to pull the "I am leaving today so we should. You gave me the best head I have ever gotten." So not falling for it. I do feel a little bad because I told him I would be back after I took the dog home, then never came back. Oh well though, I don't need him or his drama.

I really did nothing other than that, take a nap, and watch Aladdin. I am making my way through my Princess Marathon. It is Mark's birthday today. Aunt Jean is taking him to eat Chinese and then I will head over to their house so I can smoke before 16 and Pregnant. The new season starts at 10, and I can't wait. It is about time to eat, and that is all that has gone on so far today. Update later, deuces ♥

Good day.

I honestly have no idea where I am containing my excitement. I have a REALLY good chance at getting this job. Plus it will be working nights so I get paid a dollar or two more for it. I am like amazingly overwhelmed with joy at this moment. That phone call this morning made my day. I doubt I will sleep much tonight. I should though so I will appear my best Wednesday. I am praying that I get this job. It is the start of many changes in my life I do believe.

16 and Pregnant starts tomorrow. I am excited to see the new season. While I am thinking about it I want to watch an episode from a previous season so I think I will, then I will get back to this. Be back shortly...

So I am getting caught up in 16 and Pregnant, so more later. ♥

My luck may be changing.

Thank you Jesus!! I got a call from CSG this morning, and have an interview Wednesday at eight pm. Logan must have put in a good word for me, and my dad was getting a hold of Mr. Fred. Patrick is Mr, Fred's boss and the man I have an interview for. So I have a REALLY good chance at getting this job. On top of that, I got the Party Wagon yesterday, I just have to get the tag and insurance first. I am so happy right now. I feel like my life is about to make the changes I want it to make.

I plan on getting my bad checks paid off first, then paying back aunt Jean and Daddy, getting my cat fixed and her shots, my car fixed up, then it is mine for whatever I want. I want to start putting money back so I can move out like I want. Then if I can and I want to try and get the job at Sears. I have my interview November 4 at four pm. If I can work both then I will be able to move like I want and take care of myself. Then hopefully trade the party wagon in. :)

I don't think I have enough words to express the euphoria I have right now. I am hoping and praying I get this job. It is just what I needed right now. Then if I keep up with my weight loss (I AM going to!!) I will have a good chance at getting a life back. New friends that actually work, and are doing something. Not like all the other losers around here. Maybe even Prince Charming will come along, but I am not getting my hopes up for that. I just want the job right now. The rest will follow in its own time.

It is about that time to start working out for the day. I haven't in a couple days, and I really need it. I may even do a load of clothes after while. I plan on finishing my movie marathon though. I ended up passing out while watching Beauty in the Beast. I have been trying for three days now to watch all my Princess movies. I will eventually get my Princess Marathon completely watched :) For now, I am going to work out, shower, and laundry maybe. Deuces ♥

Princess Marathon = FAIL.

Bot for much longer though. I am going to take a shower and finish the Little Mermaid and watch the rest. If not the rest I at least want to watch as many as possible. I still feel awful. My depression is like a dark cloud hovering over me, following my every mood. I just feel like I want to cry for so many different reasons. My thighs look horrific the way I have sliced into them. Finally I had to give in and go to the other leg. I just want to feel better, and have no way of doing it. Nothing is helping. I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

Rock Bottom I guess is the right name for the way I feel. I have nothing. I have no friends anymore, no phone, no family, no boyfriend, nothing. I have a cat that loves me unconditionally, but that only helps so much and it is no where near enough to make up for the hatred I have toward myself. Then of course the Party Wagon. It just isn't legal, and I don't have a job so I can't even get it legal. I have nothing in my life other than my car and cat it seems like.

I don't feel welcome in my own home. I feel like this isn't home. I don't know what home is. I am terrified of commitment, and can't trust myself, let alone anyone else. My life is like I giant impulsive mistake. I am not meant to be happy. I don't think it is in the cards for me. Maybe after school and I get the chance to move I will have better luck. As long as I am here there is nothing life has to offer me. It is time for a shower, later </3

Seriously? FML right now.

I mean it. I feel like shit. I got busted for taking my dad's weed and he made me give what was left back. Then I got a super long speech and my life turned to fucking shit. I hate myself and my life right now. I am so lost on what to do.

Military, military, military is all I EVER hear. I don't know if that is what I want. I think I want to go to cosmetology school, move to Colorado Springs, Colorado, and start my life. That is what i want to do. All that I ever get though is the fucking military. Join the Army! Fuck, it is my life and that is a scary decision. I don't know if that is what I want to do. It would help me with my appearance though. I would be in shape then.  I just don't know what I want to do.

On top of that my depression about my love life. It is nonexistent, but could I have one with James? I want to know, I need to know. I fucked up everything both times, I just got scared of the commitment, and the trusting, and freaked out. I think I want to know what could happen between us. I need to write him a letter and see if I get a reply. If for nothing else than for closure so I know there was no chance.

So now I am going to go watch princess movies, and hope that one day I get my prince in shining armor. I watched Snow White last night. Today I have a line-up consisting of :

1. The Little Mermaid.
2. Beauty and the Beast.
3. Aladdin.
4. Cinderella.
5. Pocahontas.
6. The Swan Princess.

They will be watched in that order too. So I am getting some food, my mini-saw, Pipsqueak, gauze, water, and my sweats on. Update after the Princess Marathon. </3 :'( :'( :'( :'( </3