Saturday, October 23, 2010

I am going...

To go crazy I do believe. My grandma doesn't see that I am eighteen and should be able to use the car for an hour or so to go workout. I mean really now. I don't think that in an hour or two is enough time to get myself in major trouble. Seriously now. I am so ready to have my own car and a job so I can get the hell out of here. I swear I could pull all of my hair out 98.99 percent of the time!! UGH!!!! >_<

When grandma gets back from taking aunt Jean to get her plant I am either...

A.) Using the car to go to my parents and work out.
-Side note to this option : I will be stopping by the Dollar Store to get triple c's and a new bottle of flavored water :) I am also going to attempt to get some of my best friend Mary Jane while I am at my parents.

B.) Grandma is taking me and dropping me off to work out, and taking Abby walking.
-Side note to this option : If this is indeed what happens I am going to try and convince her to let me get some flavored water, and see if I can manage the triple c's. Also I am still attempting to get the Mary Jane at my parents.

All in all I get what I want, hopefully. I am so ready to get high it is ridiculous. I find it quite awful that I have to spend my days extremely fucked up. I swear I am hardly sober anymore. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I was sober for more than 12 hours, and that is horrible. My life is like a downhill slope. I love my life, and hate my body. I am not going to lie and say that I wish I didn't use any drugs, but that would be a lie. I enjoy being wasted. I feel like nothing bad can happen. My problems don't seem as bad, and I am in my own space where no one can reach me unless I want them too.

I do understand that this is a problem. I understand fully that I am a stoner and a professional drunk. I say professional drunk because alcoholics go to meetings, and AA is for quitters. My parents taught me to not be a quitter so why change now? I will if I want to, but until then I am going strong. I do however don't want to reach the point of a master drunk. I don't want to rely on a drink to get me through and not be able to function without one. I do not feel that marijuana is a drug. It is a plant, God put it on this earth, granted I may abuse it. Really though what is so bad about it? You get happy, hungry, sleepy, and you may act like an idiot for a little bit, but oh well. I know plenty of people who are like that without it. I don't see a problem with it. Plus it is used for medicinal purposes too. I do believe that it helps ease pain and depression. I also believe that medicinal legalization is the gateway for legalization period and I can NOT wait until it is.

I also have this thing...I believe I am a habitual liar. I lie a lot and I start to believe my own lies which is really bad. I have been working on this for a good several months now, and have got where I don't lie that often. I learned that the truth is better. I do lie about where I am going sometimes and what I am doing, but not about everything like I used to, which in my eyes is a major improvement. I do however feel the need to say this, EVERYTHING that has been written in this blog is absolutely 100 percent the honest to goodness truth. This is how I vent and just make my thoughts visible.

This blog has become a very important thing to me. I am starting to find myself and reflect on different aspects of my life. I don't hold back and let all my walls down. I am at my most vulnerable, and I think that I truly needed this in my life. It makes me feel better and has definitely boosted my self confidence. I would have never have been where I am now without this. I know it has been like a week, but I am seeing changes in myself. So I thank you blog for being a listening ear and nonjudgmental.

However I am about to leave and I will be back later to let you know how my adventures today turn out. ♥

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