Friday, October 15, 2010


So I woke up around 7:50ish. I am already tripping, and stoned off my ass. But this is the way I like it. I feel okay here. I have a new found confidence around people. I am extremely outgoing and a social person though. I have pretty much isolated myself from everybody. The Internet and Facebook are my outlets to the world outside of my room at my house. I tend to drink anytime I can and don't have a real fear about mixing my "drugs".

I did some research on Kissimmee too. I found some cheap apartments with everything I need and with the jobs that I am really focusing on is around there. (Sears, Macy's, and Borders.) That way is I get a job I could transfer there. I also have some family down around the area. I am thinking about making a trip down there for a week so I can clear my head some.

I need to go call Borders again. I called yesterday, and I talked to the manager who took my name, and phone number and gave it to the hiring manager, I figure if I keep calling it will show that I really want this job. If I could get a fob there it would be perfect. I have an interview on November 4th at Sears, and if they call I could possibly get that job, and then have two!! I am so excited just thinking about it. I wish this would happen. It would be the best thing that could happen for me right now.

No to switch gears, I have a cat and her name is Pipsqueak. I love her to death but frankly she is a cracked out bitch. She loves me at night and always kicks me off my pillow, and sleeps right next to my head. It is so sweet, and I love her like that. The bad thing is that when we wake up in the morning she meows, and meows until she gets fed. Then her naturally formed crack kicks in, and off she goes! Up the side of the chairs, around the island, in the basket, on the couch, to the window, and anywhere else she pleases. Then she goes outside.

Normally I have drank my cup of coffee, took my pills, got my water, and head outside with her so I can smoke. I watch MTV music videos, and VH1s Jump Start videos in the morning while my cat is going bonkers. She doesn't listen, and does her own thing. Then she will go to my grandparents door, and sit in front of it and meow, only because she wants to drive my grandma's dog Abby nuts, along with my grandma. (Grandpa normally laughs, while grandma gets mad, and Abby is their black poodle, and my cat is black and white with a bob tail.)

When we go outside I have my pipe, my bag, my water and cigarettes. I sit at my table and set everything out. My grandma knows I smoke but doesn't like it and I am NOT aloud to smoke at the house. So I hide and do anyways. I sit where I can't be seen from the porch or from the house, but I can see everything I need to, so I can put it up if people come out. (Grandparents.) I get high, and then my trip kicks in and I feel amazing. I love being high and tripping. It is what I am doing now. But I always think a lot. I think that I might possibly be crazy in a literal sense for the fact that I talk to my self in my head all the time. It is like two people and they talk back and forth in my thoughts. I don't know if it is the drugs, or actually me, but I do it when I'm sober. Well, I think so. I am never really sober. Haven't been in months.

I like to think I am a strong person, but I don't really know. I have been through a lot. Rehab, and DJJ did a lot in the past couple of years. I have been shot out since probably 16. That's when it all started., but at seventeen I went wild. I was doing coke, acid, pills, weed, drinking, and anything that would get me fucked up. It was crazy. I got arrested for shoplifting one day and I was pretty fucked up, and had skipped class that day. I had to call my grandparents, and it was awful. Because of that I got put in drug court, which is what lead to DJJ and rehab.

I was very resistant to drug court. I had to take 3 piss tests a week, group for 2 hours a week, and an individual session an hour a week. Now I put up a good front I went and did everything I had to do and I was perfectly okay on the outside. On the inside, I hated my self, and my life. I continued all my drugs and knowing the consequences of doing them.

I remember that started the down hill slope so well. I had been going coke all day, I was high as fuck and I was drunk off my ass with my best friend and her boyfriend. My boyfriend was in Daytona Beach at school. I missed him terribly which is why I stepped up my game. My life was one big party. I was always fucked up and ready to party. I was working at Wakulla Springs as a busser and got good money. All my tip money was coke money and the rest of my pay check was gas and other drugs. I was on my tenth day straight with little sleep and partying hard and decided to get a tattoo. I was so fucked up I actually did it. I went to this guy named Possum's house in the woods, late at night. I got my tramp stamp and it hurt like fuck. I was yelling the whole time, and being a little bitch about the whole thing. I wouldn't even let him color it in. I got my friend, gave Possum his 20 bucks and left. On the way to the park I got pulled over, and they wanted to know about my cousin. (Small town, everyone knows everyone, or the have heard of them.) I was FUCKED UP and I was in no condition for driving. I told him I didn't know where she was or her daughter and that I was heading home. He let me go. I went to the park Kellie got with her boyfriend, and I headed home to tell my grandma what was going on. I got home and let her know then went to bed, because she wouldn't let me leave.

I woke up the next morning packed all my stuff, put it in my car, and headed to work. I worked my shift, went home changed, got my dog, and headed to drug court. I had told my counselor that I was leaving and going to Indiana, knowing I couldn't do it. I was going to run away. He didn't believe me and just let it go. After my individual session, I went to my friends house got my coke, my dope, my vodka, and a pizza. I was ready to head out. I had about 40 bucks to my name and a check that I couldn't get cashed from graduation. I called my mom and told her I was at a friends and the I would be at the house to spend the night around 7. I hung up the phone, threw my cell out the window, and took off.

I made a 12 hour trip in 3 days. I got lost in Alabama. I was taking showers at truck stops, getting dope and coke from truck drivers, and enjoying the ride. Toby (my dog) loved it. He was just a puppy and we were just riding and having a good time. He jumped out the window one night though at a truck stop in Kentucky, I jumped out of the car and ran across the field like thing after him in my pajamas. I caught him and put him in the car and had to roll the windows up. No one knew where I was and it had been two days and the cops where looking for me because I skipped out on drug court, and everyone thought I was missing. I called my boyfriend from a pay phone, and had a short conversation. He accused me of cheating, when I didn't and I broke up with him. I ruined it. He called my family and they traced the call. They new I was there.

Bad thing is I was out of money, pawned my diamond necklace to a Mexican chick in Alabama for 30 bucks. It was gas money. No one would cash my check. I resorted o writing bad checks to Wal-Mart. I went and bought a pillow some food, dog food, and water. That way I got 20 bucks cash back. Only thing is I only had starter checks, so it was kind of hard. Wal-Mart was the only one to that would take them. I ended up getting pulled over in Tennessee for falling asleep at the wheel. I had to pass a sobriety test and I did. I was crashing from 12 days of partying. The cop followed me to the next exit and bought me a coke, a bottle of water, and a bag of chips. He sat there with me for a minute, and then left. I then made my way back to the road.

When I made it to Kentucky I was exhausted. I wanted a shower, but had no money. Yet I had a damned check that I couldn't cash for 50 bucks!! I went to a church and told them I was broke and on my way to Indianna and I really needed 5 dollars for a shower at the truck stop down the road. They gave me the 5 and I thanked them and made my way to Wal-Mart. I went in and stole shampoo, conditioner, and soap so I could take a shower. I made it out and went to the truck stop. Took my shower, and fell asleep in the car. Sleeping in the car for days really sucks. I was miserable. I was running low on my drugs, and sleep deprived. I woke up early and tried to find a place that would cash my check. I couldn't find one any where. I finally gave up. I headed toward my destination again. I missed my turn and took the super long way down an old country road with nothing around. I finally made it to where I wanted to be. Vincenness Indiana. I went to Nicki's house, (my cousin the cop asked me about) turned out she went to Florida. Her husband is a dick and told me the cops where looking for me, and that I couldn't stay there. I went to my Uncle Rick's house. Right when I walked in and said hey the phone starting ringing.

My dad was on the other end and I knew I was in some major shit. He was mad but he told me to let Kaci and Jon get my car, put it in there shed, and stay with them. They were coming to get me in the morning. So that's what I did. When my parents made it there the next day my dad saw my tattoo and freaked out. Then we had to clean out my car. I was out of all my drugs, and that was a good thing at that moment. We spent the night at Uncle Rick's and got up at 5 to leave. I rode with my mom, and my dad drove my car. It broke down in Alabama on the way home and we had to go back into Dothon to find a U-Haul place that we could get a trailer from. We finally found one and all of us where in the truck pulling my car. We made it home late that night and that was the end of the trip.

I had court the next day. When I wen bad news once again. All my drug test finally come in and I was screwed. I missed court, and my group session. DJJ and Rehab for 4 months in Panama City. So that is exactly what I did. I got out of rehab 2 days after my 18th birthday and came home. I had two months left of drug court. I actually did what I had to do and got out of drug court. THANK YOU JESUS!! I was able to smoke and drink again. I did, and I started taking pills again. That's it though. Nothing else. Weed, alcohol, and Triple C's.

So that is a little insight into my past. That isn't all of it by any means, but it is a start. The only thing is that I wonder why I am doing this. I think I am doing it for myself, so at least there is a voice of me. When I die, there is something left of me. Maybe one day this will help some people, but who knows? I might make it into a book. I am ready for a fresh start to my life. I want to get away and start over. I think that is what is best for me.

So I think that is all I want to rant on about for right now, so I am going to go. I need to go work out, and get dressed, get a shower, something to eat, (only to throw it up) and relax for a while. I'll right more later. ♥

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