Saturday, October 23, 2010

I just want to save you.

So I got my triple c's, and two roaches. However Mark got a bag and I am going to try and swing getting some. I'll see how that goes. I did however cut myself again. I have thirty-six now. My depression hit again.

It started when I dropped grandma at the park. She is all bent out of shape and yelling about how I could only be gone thirty minutes. So I went to my mom's pissy because she was jumping my case about nothing. That and that this would be the last time she does anything like this because it is a waste. So yeah...

Then when we were almost back home I was trying to explain about my loans for school, and she was yelling at me telling me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that I was wrong. Even though I talked to the people and was explaining to her what they explained to me. It pissed me off. Then I just felt like I was stupid, and I got in a bad place and cut myself when we got home.

I came in got my clothes and headed in to take my shower with my mini-saw (from the pumpkin carving kit) in hand. I sat there and as I help back my tears I made my cuts. I drug the blade across feeling it rip, and peeling the skin back afterwards. When I felt somewhat better, I got into the shower, mini saw in hand. I felt fat and hideous. I threw up everything I could. Then washed my hair, lathered my loofah so I could clean myself. I felt disgusting, like I just wanted to wipe away the ugliness. I washed my face, rinsed off and got out of the shower.

I saw myself in the mirror and hated who I saw. I made my last sixteen cuts across my upper thigh. (I put them there so I can hide them.) I slowly got dressed. I applied gauze and some antibiotic cream on my lines. Then it was off to act like nothing is wrong. I feel awful. I feel like binge eating, and throwing it all up. I hate the way I feel right now, it sucks majorly. I need to get going for a bit though, we do have the baby tonight...

No comments:

Post a Comment