UGH!

My computer is being stupid. It keeps kicking me off the Internet. I think I may need to take it to be looked at. Hopefully I get this job tonight and I will be able to get it fixed, or maybe get the laptop I have been wanting :) That would be wonderful. I am so excited and nervous about my interview tonight. I really want and need this job.

Other than that I am about to work out, fold clothes, shower, and chill out until tonight when I have my interview. People are coming to work on the house today at one too. They are putting in new windows and what not hopefully. Maybe then this house will cool down. It has been miserably hot in here. We don't have a lot of money, so we don't run the air much. Then it is just gross feeling outside. It is muggy and humid. Ew.

I am about to go. I will make sure there is an update after I get home from my interview, even if I must go take over another computer :) Deuces ♥

Well then.

I really don't have a lot to write, but I do have some things to get out. Where to start, where to start??

I saw Alberto and he wanted me and him to have sex, but I didn't go for that. He is actually staying two roads over. He is absolutely gorgeous, but not my thing anymore. He ruined that for himself, so I wouldn't do that. I was walking Whisper and we started talking, he invited me in and tried to pull the "I am leaving today so we should. You gave me the best head I have ever gotten." So not falling for it. I do feel a little bad because I told him I would be back after I took the dog home, then never came back. Oh well though, I don't need him or his drama.

I really did nothing other than that, take a nap, and watch Aladdin. I am making my way through my Princess Marathon. It is Mark's birthday today. Aunt Jean is taking him to eat Chinese and then I will head over to their house so I can smoke before 16 and Pregnant. The new season starts at 10, and I can't wait. It is about time to eat, and that is all that has gone on so far today. Update later, deuces ♥

Good day.

I honestly have no idea where I am containing my excitement. I have a REALLY good chance at getting this job. Plus it will be working nights so I get paid a dollar or two more for it. I am like amazingly overwhelmed with joy at this moment. That phone call this morning made my day. I doubt I will sleep much tonight. I should though so I will appear my best Wednesday. I am praying that I get this job. It is the start of many changes in my life I do believe.

16 and Pregnant starts tomorrow. I am excited to see the new season. While I am thinking about it I want to watch an episode from a previous season so I think I will, then I will get back to this. Be back shortly...

So I am getting caught up in 16 and Pregnant, so more later. ♥

My luck may be changing.

Thank you Jesus!! I got a call from CSG this morning, and have an interview Wednesday at eight pm. Logan must have put in a good word for me, and my dad was getting a hold of Mr. Fred. Patrick is Mr, Fred's boss and the man I have an interview for. So I have a REALLY good chance at getting this job. On top of that, I got the Party Wagon yesterday, I just have to get the tag and insurance first. I am so happy right now. I feel like my life is about to make the changes I want it to make.

I plan on getting my bad checks paid off first, then paying back aunt Jean and Daddy, getting my cat fixed and her shots, my car fixed up, then it is mine for whatever I want. I want to start putting money back so I can move out like I want. Then if I can and I want to try and get the job at Sears. I have my interview November 4 at four pm. If I can work both then I will be able to move like I want and take care of myself. Then hopefully trade the party wagon in. :)

I don't think I have enough words to express the euphoria I have right now. I am hoping and praying I get this job. It is just what I needed right now. Then if I keep up with my weight loss (I AM going to!!) I will have a good chance at getting a life back. New friends that actually work, and are doing something. Not like all the other losers around here. Maybe even Prince Charming will come along, but I am not getting my hopes up for that. I just want the job right now. The rest will follow in its own time.

It is about that time to start working out for the day. I haven't in a couple days, and I really need it. I may even do a load of clothes after while. I plan on finishing my movie marathon though. I ended up passing out while watching Beauty in the Beast. I have been trying for three days now to watch all my Princess movies. I will eventually get my Princess Marathon completely watched :) For now, I am going to work out, shower, and laundry maybe. Deuces ♥

Princess Marathon = FAIL.

Bot for much longer though. I am going to take a shower and finish the Little Mermaid and watch the rest. If not the rest I at least want to watch as many as possible. I still feel awful. My depression is like a dark cloud hovering over me, following my every mood. I just feel like I want to cry for so many different reasons. My thighs look horrific the way I have sliced into them. Finally I had to give in and go to the other leg. I just want to feel better, and have no way of doing it. Nothing is helping. I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

Rock Bottom I guess is the right name for the way I feel. I have nothing. I have no friends anymore, no phone, no family, no boyfriend, nothing. I have a cat that loves me unconditionally, but that only helps so much and it is no where near enough to make up for the hatred I have toward myself. Then of course the Party Wagon. It just isn't legal, and I don't have a job so I can't even get it legal. I have nothing in my life other than my car and cat it seems like.

I don't feel welcome in my own home. I feel like this isn't home. I don't know what home is. I am terrified of commitment, and can't trust myself, let alone anyone else. My life is like I giant impulsive mistake. I am not meant to be happy. I don't think it is in the cards for me. Maybe after school and I get the chance to move I will have better luck. As long as I am here there is nothing life has to offer me. It is time for a shower, later </3

Seriously? FML right now.

I mean it. I feel like shit. I got busted for taking my dad's weed and he made me give what was left back. Then I got a super long speech and my life turned to fucking shit. I hate myself and my life right now. I am so lost on what to do.

Military, military, military is all I EVER hear. I don't know if that is what I want. I think I want to go to cosmetology school, move to Colorado Springs, Colorado, and start my life. That is what i want to do. All that I ever get though is the fucking military. Join the Army! Fuck, it is my life and that is a scary decision. I don't know if that is what I want to do. It would help me with my appearance though. I would be in shape then.  I just don't know what I want to do.

On top of that my depression about my love life. It is nonexistent, but could I have one with James? I want to know, I need to know. I fucked up everything both times, I just got scared of the commitment, and the trusting, and freaked out. I think I want to know what could happen between us. I need to write him a letter and see if I get a reply. If for nothing else than for closure so I know there was no chance.

So now I am going to go watch princess movies, and hope that one day I get my prince in shining armor. I watched Snow White last night. Today I have a line-up consisting of :

1. The Little Mermaid.
2. Beauty and the Beast.
3. Aladdin.
4. Cinderella.
5. Pocahontas.
6. The Swan Princess.

They will be watched in that order too. So I am getting some food, my mini-saw, Pipsqueak, gauze, water, and my sweats on. Update after the Princess Marathon. </3 :'( :'( :'( :'( </3

Really now?

Yes really. I got SMOKAGE!! WOO!! Go me. I got a good bit too. I smoked eight bowls back to back, and now I am high as fuck. I am beyond cloud nine. I am talking to Kevin and I think I like this kid and I am dropping him hints and I hope he is picking up on them. I at least want a shot with him.

I write deep shit when I am high...

Examples :

EXAMPLE A:) Well I will tell you what I live by, Everything happens for a reason, and there are no coincidences. Everything happens when it is supposed to, and some things that you notice can mean more than what they appear. Honestly that is what I live by, so it helps cut out drama and stress. I quit going to parties all together and realized I had to do what is best for me right now. So I put myself first, and watch and see what happens day to day. I don't look for that guy that I am going to be with. I see what plays out and if it is meant to be it will happen.

 

EXAMPLE B :) I want a relationship. I have liked this boy and thought I felt a connection with him the first time I seen him. I really feel that if we had a shot that it could work out. I feel like I am ready for a relationship, well almost. I feel like I need closure with James first. I feel as though I should write him and explain my feelings and how I feel and see how he replies. Maybe we are meant to be together. I don't always want to wonder what if? I want to know if it is really over, and the connection is gone. I don't think it is. I love this boy with all of my heart. I don't know why I fuck up every time with him. I have been the one to do it every time. FML! I wish I didn't. I still have the bear he gave me. I still love him. I need to know if it is over, or if I have a chance of us fixing things.

 

Well now that I am almost crying I think I will quit. I think it is time for another bowl or two, a cigarette, and TV. So I will possibly write more. Don't know though. So if not good night ♥ I will probably cry myself to sleep. :(

 

If I Die Young - The Band Perry ♥

I fell in love with this song. I am going to have to check out more of their music.

 

My FB status as of about a minute ago :

 

I don't want to always wonder "What if?" I think I know what needs to be done. I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer; if I even get one. Love songs don't help much either, it is just like something to cry to. :( I think I am going to lay down.

I just want to save you.

So I got my triple c's, and two roaches. However Mark got a bag and I am going to try and swing getting some. I'll see how that goes. I did however cut myself again. I have thirty-six now. My depression hit again.

It started when I dropped grandma at the park. She is all bent out of shape and yelling about how I could only be gone thirty minutes. So I went to my mom's pissy because she was jumping my case about nothing. That and that this would be the last time she does anything like this because it is a waste. So yeah...

Then when we were almost back home I was trying to explain about my loans for school, and she was yelling at me telling me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that I was wrong. Even though I talked to the people and was explaining to her what they explained to me. It pissed me off. Then I just felt like I was stupid, and I got in a bad place and cut myself when we got home.

I came in got my clothes and headed in to take my shower with my mini-saw (from the pumpkin carving kit) in hand. I sat there and as I help back my tears I made my cuts. I drug the blade across feeling it rip, and peeling the skin back afterwards. When I felt somewhat better, I got into the shower, mini saw in hand. I felt fat and hideous. I threw up everything I could. Then washed my hair, lathered my loofah so I could clean myself. I felt disgusting, like I just wanted to wipe away the ugliness. I washed my face, rinsed off and got out of the shower.

I saw myself in the mirror and hated who I saw. I made my last sixteen cuts across my upper thigh. (I put them there so I can hide them.) I slowly got dressed. I applied gauze and some antibiotic cream on my lines. Then it was off to act like nothing is wrong. I feel awful. I feel like binge eating, and throwing it all up. I hate the way I feel right now, it sucks majorly. I need to get going for a bit though, we do have the baby tonight...

I am going...

To go crazy I do believe. My grandma doesn't see that I am eighteen and should be able to use the car for an hour or so to go workout. I mean really now. I don't think that in an hour or two is enough time to get myself in major trouble. Seriously now. I am so ready to have my own car and a job so I can get the hell out of here. I swear I could pull all of my hair out 98.99 percent of the time!! UGH!!!! >_<

When grandma gets back from taking aunt Jean to get her plant I am either...

A.) Using the car to go to my parents and work out.
-Side note to this option : I will be stopping by the Dollar Store to get triple c's and a new bottle of flavored water :) I am also going to attempt to get some of my best friend Mary Jane while I am at my parents.

B.) Grandma is taking me and dropping me off to work out, and taking Abby walking.
-Side note to this option : If this is indeed what happens I am going to try and convince her to let me get some flavored water, and see if I can manage the triple c's. Also I am still attempting to get the Mary Jane at my parents.

All in all I get what I want, hopefully. I am so ready to get high it is ridiculous. I find it quite awful that I have to spend my days extremely fucked up. I swear I am hardly sober anymore. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I was sober for more than 12 hours, and that is horrible. My life is like a downhill slope. I love my life, and hate my body. I am not going to lie and say that I wish I didn't use any drugs, but that would be a lie. I enjoy being wasted. I feel like nothing bad can happen. My problems don't seem as bad, and I am in my own space where no one can reach me unless I want them too.

I do understand that this is a problem. I understand fully that I am a stoner and a professional drunk. I say professional drunk because alcoholics go to meetings, and AA is for quitters. My parents taught me to not be a quitter so why change now? I will if I want to, but until then I am going strong. I do however don't want to reach the point of a master drunk. I don't want to rely on a drink to get me through and not be able to function without one. I do not feel that marijuana is a drug. It is a plant, God put it on this earth, granted I may abuse it. Really though what is so bad about it? You get happy, hungry, sleepy, and you may act like an idiot for a little bit, but oh well. I know plenty of people who are like that without it. I don't see a problem with it. Plus it is used for medicinal purposes too. I do believe that it helps ease pain and depression. I also believe that medicinal legalization is the gateway for legalization period and I can NOT wait until it is.

I also have this thing...I believe I am a habitual liar. I lie a lot and I start to believe my own lies which is really bad. I have been working on this for a good several months now, and have got where I don't lie that often. I learned that the truth is better. I do lie about where I am going sometimes and what I am doing, but not about everything like I used to, which in my eyes is a major improvement. I do however feel the need to say this, EVERYTHING that has been written in this blog is absolutely 100 percent the honest to goodness truth. This is how I vent and just make my thoughts visible.

This blog has become a very important thing to me. I am starting to find myself and reflect on different aspects of my life. I don't hold back and let all my walls down. I am at my most vulnerable, and I think that I truly needed this in my life. It makes me feel better and has definitely boosted my self confidence. I would have never have been where I am now without this. I know it has been like a week, but I am seeing changes in myself. So I thank you blog for being a listening ear and nonjudgmental.

However I am about to leave and I will be back later to let you know how my adventures today turn out. ♥

Good morning.

So I hate that no one has any weed around. Mark didn't get any. He should tonight, and him and aunt Jean are going to go see Eddie Money tonight, so maybe I will luck out and get some. I went and played bingo in Panama City last night, and didn't win. I never win though. I have one once, but maybe I will win again one of these times. I could use the money, and I just don't win. So it must not be meant to be. Because I went last night, I didn't play mommy. I will tonight though.

I am going to try and get the car sometime this week and go to town. I got a ring from my mom and dad's and I am going to stop by the pawn shop and see what I can get from it. Maybe I will get at least a twenty. Pawn shops don't give a whole lot though.

I have like no plans today. I am going to shave my legs and take a shower after I workout though. That is as far as my plans have made it to today. I am still kind of tired. I am thinking about laying down for a little bit. Pipsqueak is still in bed so I can try. I will update later. Deuces ♥

Party Wagon.

So I am going to refer to my car (the station wagon) as the Party Wagon now. I have been meaning to do this for a while now and am just getting around to it. This is a list of the things I HATE and have learned to LOVE about it...

Me HATING on the Party Wagon :

1. It is a 1988 Crown Victoria STATION WAGON!!
2. It is older than me, so I mean really.
3. It has a funky smell from where it was leaking.
4. The radio cuts in and out.
5. It used to be a man's work "truck", so it has seen better days.
6. It has spots where the paint has faded, even though majority is white, still.
7. The mirrors are way to small.
8. It is huge!!
9. Doors do NOT lock.
10. Crank windows :(
11. The trunk handle on the inside looks like it is being held together by gum.
12. It is an old fashioned hearse for heaven's sake!!

Me showing the Party Wagon some LOVE :

1. It is practically ALL steel, so if I get in a wreck I am pretty damn safe :]
2. It has a V8 so that means I got speed bitches!!
3. I can get air freshener to help with the smell.
4. There are several different compartments that lock. 
5. I can put a bed in there ;)
6. I have a radio that I am getting put in for free.
7. There is a new dashboard.
8. It has a new AC.
9. My dad is having the starter and alternator rebuilt.
10. I have everything it needs to be tuned up.
11. I have plenty of space for my shit.
12. I can get cheaper insurance because of it's age :)
13. It runs good.
14. Can get me where I need to go.

I feel amazing :]

I really do right now! I got a bowl from Mark's and feel great. Then I get to play like mommy tonight :] Ebin is going to be here at five, and he is here untill six in the morning. Then again tomorrow, I am excited. I also have realized that I truely adore my cat. She is the best.

Hopefully Mark has some smokage though. I want to get fucking stoned man, like really bad. So I hope he does. I can't believe what I did this morning though. My parents had all their shit so I improvised after scraping my pipe. I chugged a WHOLE FUCKING bottle of cold medicine. Can you say "EWW!!" I kept it down for like an hour because I wanted to give it time in my system, but then I had to throw it up, well part of it. I got a trip though, and I passed out. I slept like two hours. I still have a little trip going on though.

I have this amazing confidence about myself right now. Ever since I decided I am going to treat myself like the princess I am, I have had this boost of confidence. I am on my level, and doing me. I am finding who I am. I am going to let the new me shine through, and kick the old me out. It will be a slow transition, but none the less will it get done. I feel good about this decision.

Also, I looked up my Cosmetology Licenseure requirements for Florida and Colorado, and talked to Lively. I forgot when I talked to them to ask about the hours. Colorado requires 1450 hours, where as Florida's is only 1200. So I want to know if I can get those hours while I am in school somehow. I also can't do anything until November eighth. So I have time to wait and kill.

I am happy about that decision too. Classes start January Sixth, and I really hope I can get in. I have always loved hair and make-up and being a fabulous looking diva. I always fall back to that thought. So I am going to go through with it. Then I can move and start my life. I will be 20 when I get done, and I think that is good. I can start a new slate in a new state, and really get my life the way I want it.

I am starting to notice my weight loss slowly but surely which has added to this new found confidence. If only I had a job. That would make it better. I am going to get the Oland's stuff done too. I want a job, and I will do what I need to do to get me to where I want to be and I don't care what other's think. Mary told grandma a bunch of shit and grandma doesn't want me working there, but I am doing me now. I come first. I am my number one priority. That may seem self centered, but you know what that is how I am going to have to be.

At my parents.

They are dicks. They left the can with no weed, and they took the keys, and no roaches. what kind of shit is that. I mean really? FUCK ME! I guess I will scrape my pipe and get some alcohol. At least the laptop is here, I will just have to clear the history.

I started my period yesterday and it sucks. That does explain the face breaking out, but it is cleared now. That's good. i am so bored here. I am going to work out after the people get done here. They have to get here first though, ugh... I really don't have a lot to write at this time so I will do an update when I get home. <3

La La La ♥

So I am going to stay at my parents tonight with Pipsqueak. I am waiting on them to call. This will most likely be my last post until I get back home. I am going to get my workout in while I am there.

I did go to town and put in my application for CSG. So maybe I will get a job there. I hope one of these places gives me a call soon because I am in desperate need of a job. I also went by Lively and I think I might sin up for Cosmetology classes. They stat in January. If I do that I am in Florida another year guaranteed. I will hopefully get a job though, and be able to move into Tallahassee. Then after I got my License I could move to Colorado. I want to do some research on the licensing though. I want to make sure that I would be able to use it in Colorado before I move there.

I updated my FB "About Me" section and this is what it says :

Well hello there, my name is Karson and I blessed the world on November 14, 1991 ♥ I just quit smoking cigarettes, but I am a smoker ;) and a drinker :) I decided to start treating myself like the princess I know I am, so that's what I do. I come first in my life, then others come. I am selfish, but love nothing more than to help someone. I love this one boy who still holds my heart even though I am afraid to try and start something again. I have dreams and goals, and I am my own worst critic. I judge myself so much harder than people. I don't care about what others think, and and am extremely amazing. I care more about my appearance than anything, and I work out daily. I am on a diet until I get my body in the shape I want it in. I have great expectations for myself, it I find it hard to meet them sometimes. I try my hardest though, and that's what matters. I trust nobody. I am single and have given up on boys from this hell hole. I plan on leaving Florida as soon as I finish school. I am in desperate need of a job, and I hate my vehicle, but it runs and gets me where I got to go. Not to mention it has a V8, so I got speed bitches :) My cat Pipsqueak is my rebellious princess, and I absolutely love her with all my heart ♥ I am obsessed with the color pink and have a hidden obsession O_o I only drink water and have banned sweets from entering my body except for rare occasions. I am a person you either love or hate. I am not to be compared to, I am one of a kind. My level is one of a kind on cloud nine. Deuces ♥

I think it is a good description to myself. The in the little box on your wall it says :

"Love those who treat you right, forget those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance that will change your life, take it. Don't hold back anything. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it."

 

So yeah, that's what I did. I am about to finish getting stuff together. I will update as soon as I get back home. Deuces ♥

Fucking PISSED!!

The bitch down the road needs to shut her Gosh damned mouth before I fucking do it for her. I was walking Whisper and she yelled, "Get her!! Get that fucking whore!! Get that BITCH!!" Then the second time she yelled, "YOU FUCKING FAT UGLY WHORE!!" "YOU BITCH!!" QUIT WALKING BY HERE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!"

I want to cry. That hurt so bad. I am going to get my self skinny and in great shape, and if she doesn't quit I am going to kick her fucking ass one day. I hate that fucking stupid lazy ass whore!! DAMN IT!! FUCK THAT BITCH!! She is going to get her fucking ass beat if she don't quit that fucking shit, UGH!!!

I am about to get dressed nicely, so I can put an application in at CSG, then I am staying at my mom's house tonight. I have to be there for the people from Sear's tomorrow. So yeah. I won't have any internet access >_< So I won't update untill Friday night. I may come home get one in after that, but I don't know. We will have to see.

I got the pictures of Pipsqueak and I ♥ ♥ ♥ them!! I got them put in frames around my room :) Look at how cute they are...

 Me and my princess ♥

                It is a moment like this when

                     I realize why I love her

                          ♥   ♥   ♥   ♥   ♥   ♥   ♥ 

                                      
                     My princess Pipsqueak ♥

                         Yeah, Imma Loser ♥

                                                
                           Pretty amazing ♥

                               Crooked lip ♥

So yeah. I am about to go know though to fold laundry and get dressed. Later, MUAH ♥

It is the moments like this...

That remind me why I love my cat so much ♥ She got on my desk while I was on FaceBook and she was laying there. Every time I would look away though she would try to take the silly band I had sitting there. I would say "No!" and gently pat her head. She would stop until I looked again. This continued for about five minutes. Then she turned to my hand that I had on the mouse. It became so distracting that I decided to take that one out, and see what she wanted with it. I gave it to her and she slapped it.

She wanted to play, so I did. I decided to give her a kiss and she gently slapped my face. I would steal one and she would look at me and the game would continue. She gets her paws in my hair randomly and she goes ninja trying to slap fast to get them out. I went to give her another kiss, and she put her paw on my cheek and kept it there. I went to kiss her nose and she reached up and kissed me :) "Awwwww!!!" How sweet is that?? Then she did it again.

After that though it was back to slaps. Then I got an idea. "I could get some cute pictures, print them out, and fill my frames." So I went to get the camera, and I am charging the battery now. I am about to go put my clothes in the dryer, do my hair and make-up, and take some pictures. I will update afterwards :)

Take a journey into my mind.

So today has been a great day. I honestly feel like I am getting smaller. WOO! That is amazing!! Then on top of that I am high. :) Today started off rocky but has pulled a good ending so far.

So this morning I decided that I was going to find a reason to use the car, go to my mom and dad's and get some weed. So I went to take Whisper walking to figure out my reason and get some of a workout. So I thought, "Okay we can use Olans. That will work." So that's what I did, but when I went in there Aunt Jean was up and told me to call and it was in Crawfordville at Workforce. So I called and she was right. So I told grandma and got the car. I went straight to my mom and dad's and they were home. "FUCK!!"

I had to fly by and turn around and fly back by. Then I went to Winn-Dixie and stole a bottle of Ziacam. I took it into the bathroom, drank it, and walked out. Then I called my mom's office, then the house. (That way it didn't look suspicious.) Talked to my mom and what not then came home. That is when the fun began :)

I went to aunt Jean's, and we sat and talked a bit. She got up to pee and I got five cigarettes. Then I was playing with Whisper and she was going to walk over to grandma's. I sat there and played with Whisper as she left. Then I made my move. I went to look in the can and WOO BUDDY! I hit it. I took a good bit and walked out the door.

I went in the house, came into the bathroom and broke all the weed up. It was a lot. I put it in the bag and went outside so smoke. I got out there and got to get high:) It made my trip kick in and it was great :):):)  I ended up going with aunt Jean and Mary to Mary's house. I put a lamp together and put the legs on her heater, and helped staple plastic around the windows. So I did a good bit of work.

Then we came home, and I smoked some more and here I am. So that is pretty much all I wanted to write right now I think. Oh, I am about to do my hair and make-up and take some pictures outside. So more later :) ♥

Decide what you want and go for it.

That is what my fortune cookie said this morning. I liked it and thought I would share it. I hope today will be a good day. Mark got some weed last night, so I am going to try and get some. hopefully I can. I am going to try. I really want to smoke today.

I got a new pair of shorts yesterday, and a new work out shirt. They are hot pink too. I love it. I also quit smoking and haven't had a singe cigarette since I quit. So that is a good start. I may just be getting my eyebrows done because of it.

I may have the station wagon before I know it too. My dad may transfer a tag, and grandma said we might put me on their insurance. That way I don't have to pay for it. Then when I have a steady job I can get my own stuff. That will be better.

I have also decided that when I finally move, I am going out of state. I want to go to Colorado Springs, Colorado. I also decided that I wanted a border collie instead of a German Shepard. So that is a big change in my plans. I will then be states away from everyone. Talk about a long drive or a flight to see me then :) Sounds good. I can't wait.

Well that is all I for this morning. I will give an update after a while. ♥

The mail is here!

I just got done walking Whisper around the neighborhood and ate a glass of jell-o. I really enjoyed that peach jell-o too, but we are out. I am going to have to go to get some more at some point. I still need to do my Walk Away the Pounds video. Then I can get a shower and relax for the day. Even though I really don't have anything to do. I am slightly tripping, but not how I want to be. I don't have any weed or resin left so I just have the triple c's in my system. It is better than nothing though. I quit smoking today too, and it's actually not that bad. I don't miss it like I thought I would. Granted it has been only like 14 hours tops since I have quit. Still I think I am doing pretty good, and I am proud of myself.

Krista came over last night and we carved our pumpkin :) It turned out pretty good too, it has a spider on it. We were going to wing it, but changed our mind and used the pattern. I was straight fucked up though. I drank about half to 3/4 of a bottle of tequila with either no chaser, or water as my chaser. I was tripping, and I was high. I felt good. Sad thing is I don't remember anything after she left. I know I took a shower because my make-up was gone this morning when I woke up. However I do not recall ever even taking a shower. I also don't remember taking off Pipsqueak's collar, or going to bed. So I would say that yes indeed I was fucked up.

I called a couple of temp services this morning. I have my name in the system at Aerotek, and they will call me if they have a job for me. The other place though, I have to be there between 6-6:30. Then fill out an application, and have my ID and SS card. With the station wagon not running and not being legal I have no car though. I can't use the car for that though because grandma is not going all day without the car.

The upside to all of this is that my dad is going to help me get the car legal, and he said they will take me up there in the morning, and take me home if needed. So that will help out a lot. So I hope that works out. I really want this. If I do that I will have some money, and I will be on my way to moving like I want to. I am so excited. I feel great about this. I don't even care that I will have to get up early.

I would like to work out before work though. So I could do a 30 minute tape, use the body wedge, and 10 minutes on the elliptical. So about 45 minutes. Then an hour to get ready. So I would have to get up at like 3. That doesn't seem like a good idea though. I would fall asleep at the job. That would not work. I will have to get up at 4:30. It is worth it though. I can always work out when I get home. That way I get my sleep, and my work out done. Sounds like a plan.

Now that I have wrote all this and got it out, I can finish working out. I have been waiting to write this all morning so it feels good to have it done. I am off to my work out video, more to come later.

So about today...

I am supposed to carve a pumpkin with Krista but I don't know if that is still going to happen. I got to use the car and go over there, and guess what? She wasn't there. So I went to my mom and dad's and that's when things took a turn for the better.

I got there and they didn't leave shit out at all. I looked every where, but nothing. Then I got a thought, "Let's look in the liquor cabinet." I opened it, and low-and-behold...a practically full bottle of Tequila. I filled my flask, and a good bit of one of my water bottles :) Then I got this other brilliant idea.

"The car keys." They were there! I went to the car and unlocked it and guess what?? I found the roaches, and two dollars. So I got to get high and trip. I went to the dollar store got me a box, headed to mom and dad's and smoked the rest of the roaches I had. It kicked in and now I am feeling great. I got to drive around a little bit, then came home.

When I got here grandma was making chicken and noodles, and I don't really care for them. So I asked if I could make chicken and rice for myself. I mean the woman had a heap, and I mean a HEAP of chicken there, so I figured no big deal. She was like furious at me though because I didn't want the chicken and noodles though. It was crazy. So I went to aunt Jeans and got some rice. I came back and made my own creation of chicken and rice. (Hear's the recipe...)

3/4 Cup rice
Chicken
Sea Salt
Pepper
Cheese
Peppercorn Medley
Onion Pieces
Butter
2 Cups Water

Let rice boil then add butter. Then add the seasonings. Afterwards add the chicken and let boil till thickens, and is no longer soup like. Stir frequently so it doesn't stick to the bottom of your pan.
Eat when thickened.

So yeah. That is my chicken and rice.

Krista is coming over here at 5:30 and we are going to carve the pumpkin. So finally, it will be done. I am about to go eat then I will update later after all of this.

Today I am going to carve a pumpkin.

I didn't get to Sunday, but today I am with Krista. This is the first time in over a month that I have done anything with anyone who isn't family. I am excited. I have the pumpkin, and the pumpkin carving tools. She has her camera, and we may be having a pumpkin seed war, and baked pumpkin seeds. Today should be a good day.

I am going to try and get more triple C's and I am going to my mom and dad's to get as much weed as possible, and maybe even some liquor. That will make today even more spectacular. While I am there I may just find me something to "eat" before I head to Krista's at two. I had to scrape my pipe this morning and got a decent buzz off of it, but is long gone now. So hopefully I can bring it back to where I was yesterday.

I only have one cigarette left and it very well may be my last one. I really meant it when I said I was thinking about quitting. I will save money, and I really don't need too. I am fine with only smoking weed. Who knows it may be the next to go? (Doubt that, but maybe.) I am also going to try and quit biting my nails. Instead of the nails I will bite the skin around them. Which that won't make my nails look that good either, but it is a start. First quit the nails, second quit biting the skin. That sounds like a plan to me.

I do need to go though. I need to change, do my hair, and my make-up. That way I will be ready in 40 minutes. It takes me a good while to get ready. I don't want to have to rush doing anything. So I will write another passage later most likely.

New playlist :)

1. King of Anything - Sara Bereilles.
2. Double Vision - 3OH!3.
3. DJ Got Us Falling In Love - Usher.
4. Savior - Rise Against.
5. Please Don't Go - Mike Posner.
6. Maybe - Sick Puppies.
7. Soundtrack To My Life - Kid Cudi.
8. Only Girl In The World - Rhianna.
9. La La La - Auburn.
10. Like a G6 - Far East Movement.
11. If I Die Young - The Band Perry.
12. Love Like Woe - The Ready Set.
13. Letting Go - Sean Kingston ft. Nicki Miniaj.
14. Raise Your Glass - P!nk.
15. I Got Your Back - T.I. ft. Keri Hilson.
16. Like We Used To - A Rocket To The Moon.
17. All About Tonite - Blake Shelton.
18. A year Without Rain - Selena Gomez ft. The Scene.
19. Stereo Love - Edward Maya ft. Vika Jigulina.

So I just got home from putting in job applications...

About an hour and a half ago. I applied at the La Quinta Inn on North Monroe St., and the Golf Club Restaurant in Southwood. I got one from Bed Bath and Beyond, and I am going to take it in tomorrow. So I am going in order now, but I am about to just go out of order right now.

I was going to write about this first, but got off topic on the trip here. So, I was outside getting high. I pretty much fucked Mark up unless he gets more weed. I took a big pinch out of the can of a little bit if weed left, and scraped the grinder out. So he doesn't have a whole lot left. But I got two normal bowls, and one super over flowing bowl. I decided to get Pipsqueak high, and damn it is hard. I had to catch her first, then put her in this headlock type thing. Then I would take a hit, (all while she is in a head lock thing, (she is feisty!!)) Then have to get her and hold her, lift her ear open and blow the smoke in.

Well I took it upon myself to be a dumbass. On top of what it is normally like (above paragraph is what it is normally like) to get her high, I had to do it on the super over flowing bowl. I normally cough after every hit if it is a decent sized hit, so I was thinking, "Damn." Inside my head I was like "Go big or don't do it at all." I agreed to this hoping that I wouldn't cough this time. I wanted my cat to be stoned, to have a big hit from a awesome bowl, on the first hit. I knew I shouldn't try it, but what the hell, I was high. (I am sure I should explain this first, before I continue...my pipe is like tiny. It is like maybe a two hitter, and that is most likely pushing it. I like it though and get about four hits out of it. That way I don't cough and don't get caught. It takes me about two or three of them for me to get high. So with that information that is being held in your brain I can continue. (Right after I look and remember what I was writing about to begin with.))

I then caught my cat, put her in the headlock thing, and took a BIG hit and was praying not to cough. The cat is squirming and my eyes are watering really bad as I try not to cough. "I can do it!" I thought to myself. (WRONG!!) I was getting her ear up and as I did she hissed and moved and I coughed it all out through my nose, and was trying to be quiet so I didn't get busted. "DAMN! I fucked that one up." SO I tried this two more times with the same effect. I hate that I can't take big hits. So with like barely anything even left in the bowl, and no more at all I took the biggest hit I could, and gave it to her. So I guess It was just not meant for her to get high.

Then I had this thought, " What if I wrote a book?" I began to deepen this thought. (When I am high this is a common thing.) If I did it would have to be a simple book. Like a children's book. "Tyrannosaurus Rex!!" I screamed in my head for no reason at all. I didn't know where it come from then I got back to my thought of writing a children's book. Then it came to life in my head, Trevor the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He was different and was nice. He wasn't like the others. Then he helps another group of dinosaurs get an egg to "The Better Place". (I doubt I would call it that, but it is something for now.) Then as I began to get excited and start deepening this a little bit more I had another thought...

"Isn't this like a weird spin off of The Land Before Time?" I don't believe it is. I don't recall one with that type of storyline. Well movie anyways, and this would be a book. Like I said though when
I am high, my brain randomly functions. So then I got back to my thought of my book, and that all the other dinosaurs could be different too. I really don't care for the idea of a whole group of defective dinosaurs though.

Then I came in here and decided to write down all of this, but got sidetracked at the beginning with what I did today. I think I will go ahead and get back to that though. That is the serious part of this post.

I have decided that I am not interested in school anymore. I want to get a job, and get the hell out of here, and not look back. That is what all my focus is going toward. I told this to grandma on the way in town and we pretty much argued about it. I don't care about school. Later if I want to go back I will, but I don't want to now, and I am not going to. It is just a matter of time before I am kicked out of school anyways.

I just feel like I am a disappointment to everyone though. They don't understand that I just want a job, my own place down in Kissimmee, a decent car, my cat and a puppy. That is all I want. I am going to lose all this damned weight eventually. I just have to keep working out and eating right. Throwing up my food I believe will help too. I am quitting smoking after this pack. I am just tired of everyone thinking so little of me. I just want to get out and away. Then I can maybe find new friends, and maybe a boyfriend. I will be skinnier, and I will be able too. I will be happy then. When I get there things will get better for me. When I am happy and feel good about myself, I will be better off. I will be able to do anything. 

I feel as if this has became a place for me to vent. I can really show my true self here. The girl that noone knows. Eventually people will, but not now, and not for a long time. I don't hold anything back here, and I make sure of it. I always think of coming back and writing something. I just have this blog on my mind constantly. I don't know quite why though, but I enjoy it.

I made tuna salad, and I think I am about to go get some. So I will be back on here after I "eat" another meal of yummy things, that only make me the beached whale bigger. Hmph...

It is too early to be awake.

Here I am though. Wide awake. I don't understand why I can't sleep like any other person. I mean really. It isn't like I have anything to do. I have nothing to do. I still can't sleep. I don't like waking up this early, but I guess it is a good start to the day.

I did end up cutting myself again. It isn't that bad but I do feel somewhat better and less depressed. It allowed me to feel. I hate my body though. All the hatred I use to have I would always shoot it toward other people. Now I am doing it to myself. I don't know how much longer I am going to workout though. It is showing barely any results. I wish there were more. At least ten pounds could fall off. I have done more than enough in a month for ten pounds to come off. If it just would >_<

I haven't even smoked my cigarette this morning either. I have to find the motivation to walk out there. It is cold, due to the cold front that came in yesterday. I am enjoying the fall weather. It means that it is closer to my birthday, and to the fair. I can't wait for the fair this year. I have went the first day every year, except last year. I was in rehab and didn't get to go. :( It sucked like hell too, and I was pissed off. I am thinking about quitting smoking. (That is what I meant to have this paragraph about, but I got sidetracked.) I can't afford it with no job, and my family doesn't really have the money to buy mine all the time. So I am thinking after I finish this pack I am done. So I will see how that works out for me.

There really isn't anything else to write about right now so I am going to watch music videos and drink my coffee. I may even get some more sleep, which is well needed at this point. Update later. :)

I hate the girl in the mirror.

She is fat and she needs to lose all the weight. I hate the way I look. I want all of this gone. I don't know what to do any more. I am debating on cutting again, but I don't really know right now. I am so fucked up and depressed. I use to cut myself, but I did it for attention. I got it too. I am thinking of cutting again because I am depressed. I wish I wasn't so fat. I can't stand the way I look.

Looking in a mirror I see my hair that is fried, my face is breaking out, my stomach is huge, my arms have flab, and my legs are slowly shrinking. I am throwing up everything I eat, and I am barely eatting at all. I can't stand it. I am trying so hard but it doesn't seem to be working. I am pushing my nody to it's limits and I am not losing the weight I want to. I want it to disappear. 

I am watching, well more so listening to Juno. I am trippin, high, and depressed. Monday at 2 I am going over to Krista's and we are going to carve a pumpkin. I am about to watch this movie. I may do an update later but I don't know right now.

Birthday/Christmas List.

1. Cell Phone.

http://www.boostmobilestore.com/bpdirect/boost/PhoneList.do?action=view#

2. Hip Hop Abs.

http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/hip_hop_abs.do?code=HIPHOPABSDOTCOM

3. Laptop.

http://configure.us.dell.com/dellstore/config.aspx?oc=dncwzs1&c=us&l=en&s=dhs&cs=19

4. Scratch Off Tickets.

Gas Station.

5. Money.

In your wallet/purse.

6. Borders Gift Card.

http://www.borders.com/online/store/BGIView_giftcards

7. Target Girt Card.

http://www.target.com/b/ref=nav_giftcards/183-9301743-6437342?_encoding=UTF8&node=14061591

8. Ross Gift Card.

www.rossstores.com/gift_cards.aspx

9. Pink Camera.

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Olympus+-+Factory-Refurbished+12.0-Megapixel+Digital+Camera+-+Pink/1093815.p?id=1218220376998&skuId=1093815&st=pink cameras&contract_desc=null

10. Pink Seat Covers.

http://www.amazon.com/Universal-fit-Animal-Print-Bench-Cover/dp/B000YT2M8A%3FSubscriptionId%3D14H876SFAKFS0EHBYQ02%26tag%3Dbechnede-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB000YT2M8A

11. CD Binder.

http://www.caselogic.com/208_capacity_koskin_cd_dvd_wallet/product_detail/index.cfm?modelid=87982&productid=1145265

12. Claire's Gift Card.

http://giftcards.claires.com/gift-cards.asp

13. Pink Bike.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/26-L-Karaoke-cruiser-comfort-bike-model-26730-white/12509652

14. Evolution Day Spay Gift Card.

http://www.evolutiondayspa.net/contactus.aspx

That worked out perfectly :)

Okay so my night has worked out perfectly tonight. :) I am so happy. I am tripping and high. It is pretty great. I got to use the car and drove around for a little while. My cat was a damn bitch though. I forgot to mention that I got a good bit of weed from next door, so I have smokage to last. Now back to my heathen child of a cat. She decided to go outside and just run around, and eveytime I got near her she would take off. It was so hard to catch that damned cat, but I finally did it. How you ask? By grabbing the "Life Saver" ring with a rope on it.I dangled it until Finally I caught her.

Now we are chillin out in my room. She is sleeping and I am listening to music. I made Jell-O earlier :) I made lime and peach. I also made a combination of the two. It turned out really good and I am proud of myself.

It is 7:15 and I am up for the day. I tend to be an early bird anymore but it doesn't bother me. I never sleep the whole night through anymore. I wake up at least twice a night. I might be going to Krista's today and carving a pumpkin and taking pictures. I hope so. Self isolation is getting kind of lonely, so being with someone my own age and not family should be nice. I need yo go though so I can chop up all the weed I got and then check Facebook and get coffee. Update later :)

It is Friday night.

I am going to have another lame ass weekend. I guess my self isolation is not such a good, thing, but I don't know who I would go hang out with. I could always call a guy and have a ride and weed, or anything else I wanted, but I know I would have to have sex with them. I do like sex, but I don't want to be the girl that fucks every guy who she hangs out with. I normally do, and I don't want to any more. I am ready for change, and I wish I could. It is all just waiting on me to get a job. If I can get a job everything would be great.

One of the worst things ever for my diet is happening as a sit here writing this. My grandma is frying fish and made potato salad, and some green beans. I want to eat it, but fried food is not good for my diet. I will eat it though and then it is coming up. My body doesn't need the calories. It is fat enough and there is no more room for expansion. I am repossessing the excess fat that I don't want. I am tired of being the "PHAT" girl. (Pretty Hot And Thick) I want to be skinny. I want to be an attraction for the guys I am really attracted too.

I wonder if I will lose more weight on this diet than just eating right and portioned sized meals. I mean I am eating right but I am also not keeping it down. It comes back up as soon as I am done eating, plus I have been taking laxatives, plus I am pushing my body to it's limits physically. Hopefully this will all work out for me. I am only "eating" one meal a day and like 2 snacks. But like I said they all come back up.

After we get done eating I need to ask grandma if I can use the car and go to my parents house. Then I can get some more Triple C's. That would be nice. I took the whole bud my uncle left at the house, so I don't really want to go over there tonight. So if I can do that then I can talk to my mom and dad for a while, get the piece of workout equipment I need, then head home. Then I should be feeling my trip pretty well, so I could check out some magazines, do a facial, and just relax for a night. That sounds good. So as long as I can use the car I am set! :) 

I have been thinking about maybe taking up meditation, and a yoga class. (If I had money...). I just don't really know how to meditate. So I will have to google it. I also want to look at the animal shelters website. I want to look threw the puppies. I want a dog. I can get one, but if I do have to give up my cat :( I have had her since she was 5 weeks old, but she is a cracked out bitch. I love her and would only give her to a good home, but still. 

Well the fried plate of fat is ready for me to eat. So I will go "eat" this, then see it again. And find out about using the car. I will most likely get back to this later, but I don't know. I am making no promises. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't then oh well.

Okay...

So I woke up around 7:50ish. I am already tripping, and stoned off my ass. But this is the way I like it. I feel okay here. I have a new found confidence around people. I am extremely outgoing and a social person though. I have pretty much isolated myself from everybody. The Internet and Facebook are my outlets to the world outside of my room at my house. I tend to drink anytime I can and don't have a real fear about mixing my "drugs".

I did some research on Kissimmee too. I found some cheap apartments with everything I need and with the jobs that I am really focusing on is around there. (Sears, Macy's, and Borders.) That way is I get a job I could transfer there. I also have some family down around the area. I am thinking about making a trip down there for a week so I can clear my head some.

I need to go call Borders again. I called yesterday, and I talked to the manager who took my name, and phone number and gave it to the hiring manager, I figure if I keep calling it will show that I really want this job. If I could get a fob there it would be perfect. I have an interview on November 4th at Sears, and if they call I could possibly get that job, and then have two!! I am so excited just thinking about it. I wish this would happen. It would be the best thing that could happen for me right now.

No to switch gears, I have a cat and her name is Pipsqueak. I love her to death but frankly she is a cracked out bitch. She loves me at night and always kicks me off my pillow, and sleeps right next to my head. It is so sweet, and I love her like that. The bad thing is that when we wake up in the morning she meows, and meows until she gets fed. Then her naturally formed crack kicks in, and off she goes! Up the side of the chairs, around the island, in the basket, on the couch, to the window, and anywhere else she pleases. Then she goes outside.

Normally I have drank my cup of coffee, took my pills, got my water, and head outside with her so I can smoke. I watch MTV music videos, and VH1s Jump Start videos in the morning while my cat is going bonkers. She doesn't listen, and does her own thing. Then she will go to my grandparents door, and sit in front of it and meow, only because she wants to drive my grandma's dog Abby nuts, along with my grandma. (Grandpa normally laughs, while grandma gets mad, and Abby is their black poodle, and my cat is black and white with a bob tail.)

When we go outside I have my pipe, my bag, my water and cigarettes. I sit at my table and set everything out. My grandma knows I smoke but doesn't like it and I am NOT aloud to smoke at the house. So I hide and do anyways. I sit where I can't be seen from the porch or from the house, but I can see everything I need to, so I can put it up if people come out. (Grandparents.) I get high, and then my trip kicks in and I feel amazing. I love being high and tripping. It is what I am doing now. But I always think a lot. I think that I might possibly be crazy in a literal sense for the fact that I talk to my self in my head all the time. It is like two people and they talk back and forth in my thoughts. I don't know if it is the drugs, or actually me, but I do it when I'm sober. Well, I think so. I am never really sober. Haven't been in months.

I like to think I am a strong person, but I don't really know. I have been through a lot. Rehab, and DJJ did a lot in the past couple of years. I have been shot out since probably 16. That's when it all started., but at seventeen I went wild. I was doing coke, acid, pills, weed, drinking, and anything that would get me fucked up. It was crazy. I got arrested for shoplifting one day and I was pretty fucked up, and had skipped class that day. I had to call my grandparents, and it was awful. Because of that I got put in drug court, which is what lead to DJJ and rehab.

I was very resistant to drug court. I had to take 3 piss tests a week, group for 2 hours a week, and an individual session an hour a week. Now I put up a good front I went and did everything I had to do and I was perfectly okay on the outside. On the inside, I hated my self, and my life. I continued all my drugs and knowing the consequences of doing them.

I remember that started the down hill slope so well. I had been going coke all day, I was high as fuck and I was drunk off my ass with my best friend and her boyfriend. My boyfriend was in Daytona Beach at school. I missed him terribly which is why I stepped up my game. My life was one big party. I was always fucked up and ready to party. I was working at Wakulla Springs as a busser and got good money. All my tip money was coke money and the rest of my pay check was gas and other drugs. I was on my tenth day straight with little sleep and partying hard and decided to get a tattoo. I was so fucked up I actually did it. I went to this guy named Possum's house in the woods, late at night. I got my tramp stamp and it hurt like fuck. I was yelling the whole time, and being a little bitch about the whole thing. I wouldn't even let him color it in. I got my friend, gave Possum his 20 bucks and left. On the way to the park I got pulled over, and they wanted to know about my cousin. (Small town, everyone knows everyone, or the have heard of them.) I was FUCKED UP and I was in no condition for driving. I told him I didn't know where she was or her daughter and that I was heading home. He let me go. I went to the park Kellie got with her boyfriend, and I headed home to tell my grandma what was going on. I got home and let her know then went to bed, because she wouldn't let me leave.

I woke up the next morning packed all my stuff, put it in my car, and headed to work. I worked my shift, went home changed, got my dog, and headed to drug court. I had told my counselor that I was leaving and going to Indiana, knowing I couldn't do it. I was going to run away. He didn't believe me and just let it go. After my individual session, I went to my friends house got my coke, my dope, my vodka, and a pizza. I was ready to head out. I had about 40 bucks to my name and a check that I couldn't get cashed from graduation. I called my mom and told her I was at a friends and the I would be at the house to spend the night around 7. I hung up the phone, threw my cell out the window, and took off.

I made a 12 hour trip in 3 days. I got lost in Alabama. I was taking showers at truck stops, getting dope and coke from truck drivers, and enjoying the ride. Toby (my dog) loved it. He was just a puppy and we were just riding and having a good time. He jumped out the window one night though at a truck stop in Kentucky, I jumped out of the car and ran across the field like thing after him in my pajamas. I caught him and put him in the car and had to roll the windows up. No one knew where I was and it had been two days and the cops where looking for me because I skipped out on drug court, and everyone thought I was missing. I called my boyfriend from a pay phone, and had a short conversation. He accused me of cheating, when I didn't and I broke up with him. I ruined it. He called my family and they traced the call. They new I was there.

Bad thing is I was out of money, pawned my diamond necklace to a Mexican chick in Alabama for 30 bucks. It was gas money. No one would cash my check. I resorted o writing bad checks to Wal-Mart. I went and bought a pillow some food, dog food, and water. That way I got 20 bucks cash back. Only thing is I only had starter checks, so it was kind of hard. Wal-Mart was the only one to that would take them. I ended up getting pulled over in Tennessee for falling asleep at the wheel. I had to pass a sobriety test and I did. I was crashing from 12 days of partying. The cop followed me to the next exit and bought me a coke, a bottle of water, and a bag of chips. He sat there with me for a minute, and then left. I then made my way back to the road.

When I made it to Kentucky I was exhausted. I wanted a shower, but had no money. Yet I had a damned check that I couldn't cash for 50 bucks!! I went to a church and told them I was broke and on my way to Indianna and I really needed 5 dollars for a shower at the truck stop down the road. They gave me the 5 and I thanked them and made my way to Wal-Mart. I went in and stole shampoo, conditioner, and soap so I could take a shower. I made it out and went to the truck stop. Took my shower, and fell asleep in the car. Sleeping in the car for days really sucks. I was miserable. I was running low on my drugs, and sleep deprived. I woke up early and tried to find a place that would cash my check. I couldn't find one any where. I finally gave up. I headed toward my destination again. I missed my turn and took the super long way down an old country road with nothing around. I finally made it to where I wanted to be. Vincenness Indiana. I went to Nicki's house, (my cousin the cop asked me about) turned out she went to Florida. Her husband is a dick and told me the cops where looking for me, and that I couldn't stay there. I went to my Uncle Rick's house. Right when I walked in and said hey the phone starting ringing.

My dad was on the other end and I knew I was in some major shit. He was mad but he told me to let Kaci and Jon get my car, put it in there shed, and stay with them. They were coming to get me in the morning. So that's what I did. When my parents made it there the next day my dad saw my tattoo and freaked out. Then we had to clean out my car. I was out of all my drugs, and that was a good thing at that moment. We spent the night at Uncle Rick's and got up at 5 to leave. I rode with my mom, and my dad drove my car. It broke down in Alabama on the way home and we had to go back into Dothon to find a U-Haul place that we could get a trailer from. We finally found one and all of us where in the truck pulling my car. We made it home late that night and that was the end of the trip.

I had court the next day. When I wen bad news once again. All my drug test finally come in and I was screwed. I missed court, and my group session. DJJ and Rehab for 4 months in Panama City. So that is exactly what I did. I got out of rehab 2 days after my 18th birthday and came home. I had two months left of drug court. I actually did what I had to do and got out of drug court. THANK YOU JESUS!! I was able to smoke and drink again. I did, and I started taking pills again. That's it though. Nothing else. Weed, alcohol, and Triple C's.

So that is a little insight into my past. That isn't all of it by any means, but it is a start. The only thing is that I wonder why I am doing this. I think I am doing it for myself, so at least there is a voice of me. When I die, there is something left of me. Maybe one day this will help some people, but who knows? I might make it into a book. I am ready for a fresh start to my life. I want to get away and start over. I think that is what is best for me.

So I think that is all I want to rant on about for right now, so I am going to go. I need to go work out, and get dressed, get a shower, something to eat, (only to throw it up) and relax for a while. I'll right more later. ♥

First blog posting :D

So this is my first ever blog post. Well my name is Karson, I am eighteen, and a current Florida resident. So I have been thinking a lot lately about my life in general. I have realized I need some adjustments to my lifestyle and I am willing to do what I have to to be where I want to be. This small hell hole I live in is not it. I want to move out of this damned county, ASAP!


Problem is I have no job :( It really sucks. I am trying to get a job and have applied to tens, of hundreds of jobs, and no luck. I wish I had a job so bad it is absolutely ridiculous.

On top of that I think I am fat, and no one else thinks I am as bad as what I think I am. I am not happy with the girl I see in the mirror. I have started a diet a couple of weeks ago and it has been doing me some good. I have lost about seven pounds in a three week period. No soda, no sweets, no fried food, only water, and portioned sized food. I work out all the time and recently started puking up everything I eat. (So I guess I can consider myself Bulemic to an extent.) I want to lose weight so bad, and I am going to do it no matter the lengths I go through.

I smoke pot and I take Triple C's. (fyi→Cough and Cold medicine) It is basically a daily thing. It makes me feel better. I just tend to steal the weed I get from my Uncle who smokes with me every night, then I have my own. Or I get it from my parents and make sure they don't know. I have to lie to my grandparents, (I live with my grandparents) so I can use the car and go over to the house when they aren't home and take a couple roaches, or some out of the bag if it's there. Normally it isin't though because they caught on to it. :/ But oh well, I still smoke.

I am ready to start something new in my life. I want to lose a lot of weight, get a job, get a better car*, get a dog, and move to Kissimmee. I am about to do some research on the area, and apartments, and stuff like that.  So I am going to go for a while, but I am sure I will have another post befor long. :D

*I have a 1988 Crown Victoria Station Wagon, and I hate it. It gets me where I have to go though. (When it is running and not sitting in my parent's front yard, waiting on him to fix it.)